she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
