We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
