if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
