why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Randomize
