my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
