I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
