I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
