Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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