My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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