Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
