All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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