I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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