i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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