Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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