I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
