I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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