there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
