youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
