I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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