she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
