Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
