I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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