i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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