I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
