shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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