I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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