he wants to bone in the snuggie
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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