he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
