Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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