Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
