My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize