I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
