Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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