no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
