my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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