I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
