i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
