remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
