Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
