i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
