Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
