I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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