I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
