I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
