I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
