i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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