my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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