i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
