You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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