god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
