why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize