People in love make me want to vomit
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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