Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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