But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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