Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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