Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
