Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Non-Jews are for practice
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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