my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
