my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
