My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
