I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
