I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
