Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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