did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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